The origin of the word “misunderstanding” is clear: it combines the prefix “mis-”, meaning badly or wrongly, with the noun “understanding”. So a misunderstanding is when something has been understood wrongly. 

Very often in the Ombud’s Office, when visitors come to see me about a conflict and we explore its origins together, I have to float the possibility that a misunderstanding has occurred. 

My predecessors often wrote about the risks of misunderstandings. As on many other subjects, their articles – and the advice they gave – have stood the test of time. I encourage those of you who you are interested to take another look at the following articles:

• Everyone has their own way of communicating, about our automatic tendencies in the way we communicate
• At cross purposes?, about the risks of making assumptions about other people’s intentions
• That’s not what I meant..., about the frequent gap between what we say and what others understand.

These articles contain some excellent analyses and advice. I’d like to add some additional food for thought by looking at what happened between Simon* and Patricia*.

We have so many interactions with our colleagues; how can we single out the ones that might have involved a misunderstanding? Generally speaking, misunderstandings trigger a clear surge of anger, surprise or disappointment. If Simon is having a conversation with Patricia and finds himself saying to himself “How can she say that?”, “What’s the matter with her?”, “No, that can’t be right” or “I would never have believed that of her”, it’s likely that there has been a misunderstanding. In such cases, Simon should ask Patricia what she meant by asking for example: “This is what I heard, and I’m surprised/saddened/disappointed. Could you explain what you meant?”

If he doesn’t check, the misunderstanding will remain there like a Lego brick upon which, without realising, Simon will build his future dealings with Patricia. If he’s misinterpreted her intentions, it’s highly likely that he won’t approach their next interactions with the necessary objectivity and an open mind. One misunderstanding will lead to others. 

What’s more, Simon might end up spreading the misunderstanding. If he doesn’t check with Patricia what her true intention was, he’ll repeat to others what he thought she said and colour her statements with his anger, surprise or disappointment. 

Last but not least, taking the trouble to clarify a misunderstanding gives you the opportunity to preserve, or even develop, your relationship with that person. If Simon makes the effort to ask Patricia what she meant and what her intentions were, she will be made aware of the potential for being misunderstood and will pay more attention to communicating clearly. 

You have everything to gain by not letting misunderstandings creep into your work relationships. Be mindful of possible misunderstandings. Don’t hesitate to react, in a respectful and constructive way, if someone says something that makes you angry, surprised or disappointed. By checking what they meant, you will have a better working relationship with them in both the short and the longer term. 

*Names have been changed

Laure Esteveny

I want to hear from you – feel free to email ombud@cern.ch with any feedback or suggestions for topics you’d like me to address. 

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