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Everyone has their own way of communicating

Throughout our lives, we develop ways of speaking, listening and behaving that, without us realising, become our norm. These habits are rooted in our education, our culture and our various professional experiences, and may even depend on our gender. For those who communicate in similar ways, this might not cause any problems. However, for others it can lead to misunderstandings.

Francesca* is not satisfied with the report that Lucas* has written. As she has been taught, she gives her opinion in a particular way: she begins by highlighting the good qualities of the report, then points out things to be improved. Lucas is surprised: “I’m not sure if you are satisfied with my report or not”. They both react according to their own tendencies: Francesca wants to structure her feedback; Lucas, on the other hand, prefers a more direct mode of communication. In the end, Francesca feels like Lucas hasn’t listened to her, and Lucas thinks that Francesca is not being honest with him.

Pat* and Marc* are leaving a conference; to Marc’s surprise, Pat launches into criticism of her own presentation. At home or at school, we might have picked up the habit of not inviting criticism for fear of seeming weak, or, in contrast, being modest to better highlight the achievements of others. Pat clearly belongs to this second category, but she is aware that this attitude may discredit her in the long term.

John* and William* argue fiercely over who should pay for delivery costs; they give each other no quarter. At lunchtime, Johanne* is very surprised to see them quite happily eating together: “How can you act as if nothing has happened after what I heard this morning?” They are surprised to hear this: “We were just negotiating, as usual. It’s all been resolved now!” During their careers they have learnt to negotiate hard. It is part of the routine for them, part of their working habits, but for an uninitiated observer it can seem very aggressive.

What habits can we adopt to communicate better?

Unfortunately, I can’t give you a perfect solution! What works with one person might turn out to be catastrophic with another. The secret lies in adapting our style to that of the person we’re talking to. To be able to do this, we must be aware of our own tendencies, but also identify those of other people. Understanding that we all have a different way of expressing what we think as a result of our experiences can allow us to interact better. This is all the more important in an environment as diverse and multicultural as CERN’s.

*Names have been changed

Pierre Gildemyn

If you’d like to comment on any of my articles or suggest a topic that I could write about, please don’t hesitate to e-mail me at Ombuds@cern.ch.