In the first part of this three-part article , I explored with you how to tackle the most obvious aspect of any “difficult conversation”: the tip of the iceberg, the question of what happened?
In this second part, we come back to Peter, Jenny and Andrzej, who are still preparing for the conversations they dread.
In their cases, as in all difficult conversations, feelings lie at the heart of what is wrong and are the primary issues at stake:
Peter feels furious that Michael has started to criticise him openly.
Jenny feels irritated having to cope with Mona’s constant unacceptable behaviour.
Andrzej feels worried when his thesis supervisor, Tom, fails to respond to his request for more involvement and feedback.
Most of us find it quite difficult to express our feelings but, ignoring what is behind the issues we’re facing will not help us to resolve them, as these feelings will re-surface sooner or later and create other issues. If feelings are the real issue, then feelings should be addressed.
The first difficulty we meet when expressing our feelings is avoiding making a judgement and/or an assumption. It’s easy to spot when someone falls into this pitfall: if someone says “I feel like … “then what follows is most probably not a feeling but an accusation that will not help the conversation.
If Peter says: “I feel like you are trying to isolate me from the rest of the team”, Peter is not expressing his feelings but merely making an assumption of why Michael is behaving this way.
If Jenny says “I feel like you are judging the competence of your colleagues “, Jenny is assuming that this is Mona’s intention.
Similarly, if Andrzej says “I feel like my work is of no importance to you “, he is assuming that Tom has no interest in his thesis, and he is also making a judgement that Tom is not an effective supervisor.
If you can avoid this trap of confusing feelings with judgements and assumptions, and if you express genuine feelings, no one can deny them or object to them because your feelings belong to you.
Bringing feelings into the conversation is an essential step in a difficult conversation, but it is far from easy, and caution and honesty must be exercised to get it right.
Very often, we may focus on a single feeling such as anger, disappointment or disgust, but it is very important to see the whole range of our feelings before we talk about them. Are we just angry or are we also overwhelmed? Are we simply disappointed or also very worried? Are we just disgusted or are we also wholly disheartened about a conflictual situation in the workplace?
Peter finds himself absolutely furious with Michael. However, when Peter takes a minute to think beyond his anger, he realises that he also feels resentful, disheartened and humiliated being isolated from the rest of the team.
Jenny’s main feeling may seem to be sheer irritation. But, thinking twice about it, she may discover that she is also exasperated and outraged by Mona’s disparaging comments about other team members.
Andrzej is extremely worried by his supervisor’s lack of feedback, but he realises that he is also highly discouraged and feeling very insecure.
Once we have identified what our feelings are, in all their complexity, we also need to be honest about them and “negotiate” with them. Where do these feelings come from? What is the story we are telling ourselves that leads to these feelings? What could be the feelings of the other party? Very often, an increased awareness of the other person’s story changes how we feel.
Reflecting on why he is feeling so furious with Michael, Peter may realise that this is not the first time he’s faced open opposition from a colleague and that this has already caused damage to his career before. If, instead of dwelling on the past, Peter sticks to what the issue with Michael is today, his feelings of resentment and disheartenment might lessen and take on more reasonable proportions.
Finally, a key part of the “feelings “conversation is that feelings should be acknowledged. In a conflictual situation, you cannot ensure that the other party will acknowledge your feelings, but you can show the way by acknowledging their feelings. This is particularly important if you are higher in the hierarchy or have more power than the other party.
If Mona, in response to Jenny’s reproaches, shares her feelings of insecurity and disconnection from the other team members, Jenny should acknowledge these feelings:” It sounds like you are really upset about this.”
If Andrzej rakes up the courage to tell his thesis supervisor, Tom, how he is genuinely suffering from the lack of proper supervision, Tom should acknowledge these feelings: “This seems really important to you. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably feel discouraged too.” This will place the conversation on a much more constructive footing.
When considering whether or not to have a difficult conversation and, later on, when preparing for it, keep in mind that difficult conversations do not just involve feelings but are about feelings. You may want to think about your feelings, all of them, where they come from and how you can influence them. Prepare to acknowledge the feelings of the other party.
This “feelings“ conversation will help you turn a difficult conversation into a learning conversation with the potential to preserve and even improve the working relationship. Remember, the CERN Ombud can help you to prepare for a difficult conversation.
In the next and final article on the topic of “difficult conversations”, I propose to explore with you the third entangled part of such conversations, the “identity” conversation, in other words, how a conversation may pose a threat to the story we are telling ourselves about ourselves.
Laure Esteveny
* Names and situations are fictitious.
This article is inspired by the great book Difficult conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, which I highly recommend. It is available for loan from the CERN Library.
I would like to hear your reactions and suggestions – join the CERN Ombud Mattermost team at https://mattermost.web.cern.ch/cern-ombud/.