Very often in the Ombud’s Office, I hear the word “want” rather than “need”.
“I want an apology from her”, “I want the guy to be fired”, “I want to be taken off this project NOW”, or even “I want you to resolve this issue for me”.
These demands are, however, hardly realistic and, in any case, satisfying them would most probably not solve the issue.
In my discussions with my visitors, I try to understand, beyond their requests, which need is unmet. This is what they often describe:
- I need to be heard
- I need to be respected
- I need to feel valued
- I need to be treated with dignity
- I need to be affirmed, acknowledged and appreciated
- I need to feel safe
- I need to understand the intention behind the behaviour
- I need my supervisor to be open and honest with me
- I need to receive an explanation
- I need to be trusted and be able to trust the other person
These needs are very legitimate and the CERN Values and Code of Conduct confirm that CERN commits to creating an environment where the needs of its contributors will be met.
When making a request
A key difference between a “want” and a “need” is that, whereas there is only one way to satisfy a want – e.g. get an apology, fire the person or step away from a project – there are several ways to satisfy needs.
If you ask: “I want access to the LD2IC Board’s papers”, this is not possible. If you say that you need and are entitled to transparent and open feedback on your application, and that you are ready to receive it, you open up a range of possibilities.
If you ask: “Stop talking to me”, this may not be possible. If you say: “I need to be respected and to feel safe, and when you talk to me this way I feel unsettled and frightened”, the message is very clear.
When in a conflict
At the heart of all conflicts, as at the heart of many other difficult situations, is a need that is not met. Unmet needs are always the catalyst for conflicts. However, if they are expressed as needs and not as wants, they may also be the catalyst for the resolution of those conflicts.
Very often, parties in a conflict have shared interests, such as a passion for their job, commitment to the success of their team or the will for their project to deliver. They also have convergent needs, such as those listed above. However, when entrenched in a conflict, they may no longer have this insight into their common grounds.
A facilitated discussion with the Ombud will allow the parties to identify their needs and focus on them, regain a sense of common interest and find a mutually acceptable path to move out of the conflict.
Whether you are making a request to a colleague or to your hierarchy or whether you find yourself in a conflictual situation, consider expressing your request in terms of what you need. Not only will you be listened to more attentively, but expressing your needs will also open a range of solutions. The Ombud can help prepare such discussions.
Laure Esteveny
I want to hear from you – feel free to email ombud@cern.ch with any feedback or suggestions for topics you would like me to address.
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