In this age of instant communication, we tend to react immediately to any situation without taking time to assess what is at stake for all concerned, the emotions triggered and the long-term consequences for working relationships.
In my work as Ombud, people often ask me about written communication, especially e-mails, and I remind them that e-mails do not allow us to regulate discussions and reactions in an appropriate manner. When tensions arise, it is particularly important to respond tactfully, using the principles of non-violent communication to state our position clearly and firmly, without being aggressive.
One way of breaking a deadlock, if the situation permits, is to suggest a face-to-face discussion, provided that each party really listens to what the other is saying, without interrupting. Responding rather than reacting means taking time to think before you act. For this, you need to follow a few simple rules:
- Take stock: before responding to a situation, it's a good idea to wait a minute to assess your own emotions and thoughts. This avoids knee-jerk reactions.
- Listen actively: if something isn't clear, ask questions to obtain more information as this can help you find a better answer.
- Choose your words carefully: the choice of words can make a big difference to how the message is received. Say something like "When this happens (observation), I feel useless (feeling), I need to give my opinion, next time here's what would be better for me (need)...", rather than "You never listen to what I have to say... you want to leave me out... I won't say anything else...".
Of course you should also adopt this approach outside the workplace, because misunderstandings can happen in everyday life too. Get into the habit of stepping back from such situations, of pausing before reacting and of adopting a constructive attitude to discussions.
If you adopt this simple approach, you will find that conversations become more productive and less conflictual, and this will promote the healthy relationships at and outside work that are so essential to your overall well-being.
If you would like to talk about this subject or understand how it can be applied to a particular situation, please come and see me. As Ombud, my main role is to provide an unofficial channel to help resolve conflicts. Another of my roles is to offer an opinion on the implementation of the Code of Conduct.
Thank you for reading this article and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Marie-Luce Falipou
I would like to hear your reactions and suggestions – join the CERN Ombud Mattermost team at https://mattermost.web.cern.ch/cern-ombud/.
The Ombud is available from Monday to Friday in office B500/1-004 on the Meyrin site. To make an appointment, in person or online, contact the Ombud at ombuds@cern.ch.
More information can be found on the Ombud’s website: https://ombuds.web.cern.ch/