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Should you tell your colleagues everything?

Olga* and Hans* have been sharing an office for several years. They don’t get on very well and have a lot of daily gripes, like all the personal phone calls Olga makes at the office. One morning, Olga arrives to find Hans sitting at his computer, deep in concentration. She sits down at her desk without saying hello, afraid she’ll distract him. For Hans, it’s the last straw: “That really showed how little Olga thinks of me, but I didn’t say anything because I was worried I’d completely lose it.”

Allowing resentment to build up leads to perceptual filtering. Things left unsaid are at the root of 20% of workplace conflicts. But why do we prefer to keep quiet? Maybe it’s because we’re afraid the situation will backfire on us: “If I talk about it, people will think badly of me and see me as a troublemaker,” or because we feel powerless: “I’ve already brought it up so many times and nothing’s changed.” Sometimes we stay silent out of self-interest: “Just wait, my friend, one day you’ll make one mistake too many, and that’s when I’ll get my own back!” These are just a few examples.

Having said all that, should you tell your colleagues everything? Not necessarily. But when something really upsets you, you should speak up. If Olga’s personal calls are distracting Hans so much that he’s falling behind with his work, he needs to tell her.

How can you broach the subject without stirring up a hornet’s nest? Start by explaining the situation from your own point of view: “Olga, I’m sorry, but your phone conversations distract me.” Stick to the facts and describe the situation without accusing the other person: “Take this morning, for example – I overheard five personal phone calls.” Then suggest a solution: “Could you perhaps make your calls outside the office?” It’s not necessarily inappropriate to express your emotions, but you need to do it calmly: “This situation really bothers me, and it’s starting to have a negative effect on my work.” You must also choose your moment carefully: bring up the subject when the atmosphere’s a bit more relaxed, perhaps during a coffee break or at the start of the day, before you get stuck into your work.

It’s always preferable to explain how you’re feeling before it’s too late, and the key is to pay attention not only to what you say, but, just as importantly, how you say it. This is the best way to defuse a dispute. And if, in the worst-case scenario, the discussion goes nowhere, you can always ask for help (see the list of CERN support services).

*Names have been changed

Pierre Gildemyn

If you’d like to comment on any of my articles or suggest a topic that I could write about, please don’t hesitate to e-mail me at Ombuds@cern.ch.