Sam* and Martina*: “We got to know each other through a working group we both participate in. We’re a couple now but, although we’re very discreet, we don’t feel completely comfortable around the other members of the group. Should we continue to hide our relationship, or should we tell everyone about it? And, if we tell them, will one of us have to leave the group?”

We analyse the situation together: to what extent is their relationship affecting their work and that of their team? What options are available to them, and what are the advantages and disadvantages of each? At the end of the discussion, Martina and Sam decide that the best thing to do is to go and see the leader of the working group together and discuss the situation with him openly. Some time later, Sam contacts me again: “The meeting with the group leader went well: we agreed to discuss the situation openly during a working group meeting. Everyone was relieved, because some of them had had their suspicions but hadn’t dared ask us about it. The group leader reassured us, saying he’d always found our behaviour towards each other to be completely professional. That said, if one day we end up in a hierarchical relationship, we’ll probably need to reassess the situation.”

This latter scenario is indeed more complicated. A couple may find themselves in a hierarchical relationship, i.e. where one of them is or becomes the hierarchical superior of the other. This frequently creates an uncomfortable situation for the other members of the team: even if the two individuals continue to behave in an entirely professional manner, people often suspect – even without any particular reason – that a conflict of interests may be at play. It is therefore important to clarify the situation with the hierarchical superior and agree on what needs to be done to dispel any misunderstandings. In most cases, once the matter has been openly addressed within the team, things become clearer and less problematic for everyone.

Romantic relationships at work are natural and part of life, and it’s always best to talk about them openly in order to avoid any ambiguity. Even if the couple continues to work in a professional manner, a gesture or a chance encounter is bound to eventually bring the relationship out into the open. It’s therefore useful for both partners to be prepared.

*Names have been changed

Pierre Gildemyn

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