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The Last Word

In conflict situations, there is a tendency to want to have the last word and be proven ‘right’ and yet, that may actually be the ‘wrong’ way to go about resolving an argument, whether it is face to face or through an exchange of e-mails. Instead, the wise approach would be to focus on listening to the other person in order to reach an understanding of the matter at hand before seeking a solution together.

Does it matter who has the last word? Having the last word in an argument may make us feel like we have the upper hand but in actual fact it only deepens the rift between us. The more we focus on our own positions, the less we are able to hear the other point of view and, rather like the tourists who just repeat their questions louder instead of trying to adapt their language to their audience, we lose the opportunity to fine-tune our arguments towards more mutually acceptable outcomes.

Wanting to have the last word may also lead us into ‘attack mode’ where we end up challenging our interlocutors rather than addressing our differences, leaving them on the defensive and unwilling to even consider any alternatives to their own positions. As long as they remain in this frame of mind, the situation becomes a contest of wills, with each side believing that any shift implies giving in to pressure from the other while their own legitimate concerns go unaddressed.

Alternatively, the desire to have the last word may stem from a need to justify ourselves, and the corresponding reluctance to back down from a previously stated position, even in the face of apparently valid counter arguments, is deemed non-negotiable. Indeed it often comes down to a situation where people’s egos become identified with their positions, and the objective merits of the actual issue are clouded in a power struggle that leads nowhere.

The key to effective conflict resolution, therefore, lies in taking the time to understand the interests underlying the different positions, and working side by side to attack the problem, rather than each other. By understanding each other’s goals, exploring options for mutual gain, and then agreeing on objective criteria by which to judge a situation, we may work towards a joint decision, which allows us to settle our differences and move forward.

Conflicts are often rooted in people’s perceptions and understanding the other person’s thinking is not just a means to an end, it is an essential key to problem solving. Acknowledging another person’s point of view, perhaps even admitting its legitimacy within a given context, does not mean that we agree with it. It does however provide us with crucial information as to where our interests converge and points us towards the way in which we can hope to resolve our differences while still remaining true to our values and preserving our relationships.

Listening enables us to understand others’ perceptions, feel their emotions, and hear what they are trying to say. By acknowledging them, we also give them the satisfaction of being heard and understood. It is only when people feel they have been heard that they in turn are open to considering alternatives and, ironically enough, it is by not focusing on having the last word, that we are actually able to ensure that we have our say… 

Sudeshna Datta Cockerill